Break-ups and Shake-ups

It’s been three weeks since we broke up and I was doing really well until the 4th of July.

The rational side of me knows that this is for the best. We didn’t want the same things for our futures. Our day-to-day lives were very different. Our mindsets were not on the same track so to speak.

But that doesn’t change the fact that we had a good time together. That he made me laugh. That I made him laugh. That we liked a lot of the same things. That we had plans for the summer. That we had a lot of fun memories from the last six months.

This past weekend was the first time I think I truly felt sad that our relationship being over. It was the first time I truly missed him. Sure, I had wanted to text him about Big Little Lies or the ending of Pauly D and Vinny’s shot at trying to find love for the last few weeks, but that was missing our friendship more than our relationship. 4th of July was the first time I missed having him there as a boyfriend.

I had a bad day on the 4th. It was just a big swirl of UGH. I don’t actually want to share too much of why it was so ugh, but it was. Even though I had been very rational about our break up, that then swirled in with the rest of the ugh and I started to let it all sink in. To say this weekend was very emotional for me is an understatement. Things that helped: baths, talks, pilates. But I know having him there would have helped a lot more than a bath.

Breaking up is really a form of mourning or grieving. You are grieving what was, what could have been, your hopes for your future. And that’s why I hadn’t dated in so long. Not dating was the ultimate guarding of my heart. I never wanted to grieve again after my mom passed, but I had finally let someone in. Unfortunately, he hadn’t let me in like I had let him in and that made our relationship shorter than both of us thought it would last.

And now here I am grieving.

And the grief this time is easier. It still hurts and stings and it will take me a little time to get over, but I am learning that it is OK to stop guarding my heart. My heart is resilient. It can be healed and I can try again. If nothing else, I am glad he taught me that lesson.